The Libraries That Built Me
on my birthday, here's a brief history of my life through all the libraries that are a part of me.
my grandfather loves me a lot. so much so that, at some point, when i told him that i wanted to grow up and have a library of my own, he believed me. enough to set aside some funds for this ‘library’ that i would keep mentioning.
we’ve never discussed the details. is it going to be a neighborhood library? is it going to be a library room in my future home? how much is the amount? is it even real? i don’t know and i’ve never asked. for a long time, i didn’t even believe his promise. but my grandfather’s a man of integrity, so i don’t think he could be lying about something so specific for so many years.
hello.
i’m writing this exactly four days before my birthday. that’s your cue to drop a “happy birthday!” in the comments or email :D i’ve spent the past month thinking long and hard about what i should write about for my birthday. it’s important because this newsletter constantly feels like an acknowledgement of myself. so, in that sense, a birthday newsletter is like a birthday present to myself, you know?
anyway, i’ve finally zeroed in on the theme: i’m going to give you a brief summary of my life through the libraries that have built me.
libraries have always been special to me. let me try to articulate why.
Library 1: My Mother’s Library
parents love kids who read. but parents are still parents. their default programming is one of caution and no one can stop them.
i was introduced to books because my mother was a reader. my first book was an illustrated Rapunzel storybook in which i would underline all the new words i came across. eventually, i was old enough to stop reading children’s books and got curious about the books in my mother’s little library. i read some astrology books, a few Hardy Boys, and probably some more that i don’t remember the names of. for the most part, there were no restrictions. however, my mother did deny me one writer: Sydney Sheldon. she had specifically instructed me not to touch his books. and i, like a dutiful daughter, followed her instructions.
i’ve never gotten around to reading those Sydney Sheldon books, even though they’re still sitting in the cupboard. i’ve thought about it many times but somehow, never been able to read them. it just feels wrong, like i’m crossing some kind of a line, doing something i’m not supposed to. somehow, in my mind, i still have hope that one day i’ll get to read those books.
Library 2: The Comic Book Library
i’ve grown up in multiple cities but most of my formative years were spent in Pune, Maharashtra. back then, my entire life began and ended within a gated community in Pune. it’s also where i got my first ever library membership.
the society club house had a small library which, in hindsight, can hardly be called a library. it barely had a collection for adults; the children, on the other hand, were impressed with the handful of comic books. the membership was priced low enough for the parents to not mind spending that amount every month, even if their kids weren’t making the best use of it. on the other hand, the membership was priced so low that the librarian had no real motivation to expand the collection.
it’s where i first read Archie Comics (so many of them) and was amused by how quickly i could get through a single book. confident that i was making the most of what my parents were investing. exciting experience, no doubt. but also one that led me to have my first anxiety attack.
here’s how it goes: i had issued an Archie Comic. obviously, one of the rules of borrowing books was that we couldn’t scribble in them and i did exactly that. i wrote my name, address, and phone number on one of the those subscription pages that come attached in comic books. seconds after doing that, i felt panic in my body. i immediately grabbed a whitener and tried to rectify my mess. my personal details were gone but the damage more visible than before.
i didn’t sleep that night. i remember perspiring uncomfortably, feeling paralyzed and breathless at random intervals through the night until my mind was forced to retire. i was terrified of what would happen if someone found out that i had scribbled in the book. next day, i quietly went and returned it to the librarian. the librarian didn’t even open to check the book (they never did!) before shelving it with the others. on my way out, i held my breath as i half-expected to be stopped and interrogated. it never happened.
soon, i asked my parents to cancel the membership.
Library 3: The School Library
my school library was a lovely place. it was in the basement, which was dingy but also quiet. we used to have library periods where we were expected to sit and read for half an hour, maybe once or twice a week. all my friends were readers like me so there was always interesting stuff to talk about.
my school was strict and so were the library rules. the books were arranged as per grade levels so we could not access a book if it hadn’t been manually assigned to our grade. this i found extremely illogical even back then because a lot of books that i had read with ease were assigned to grades above me. in retrospect, i think the gatekeeping had hardly anything to do with language levels. books that were more ‘modern/American/western’ and explored romantic relationships were considered appropriate for higher grades even though a lot of kids in my grade had already read them with permission at home.
i would spend most of my library periods pretending to read stuff i had already read or wasn’t interested in reading, or scribbling American song lyrics in my notebook and then mentally memorizing them (a habit that has lasted).
in my humble opinion: gatekeeping books is silly. don’t do it. let kids read what they want.
Library 4: Friends Library
if i had to pick a library that truly made a difference in my life, it would be Friends Library in Pune. it’s where i read all the books that have shaped me. it’s where i figured that i’m not a fan of fantasy novels. it’s where i read Meg Cabot books and decided i wanted to own copies of all her works. it’s where i read Jane Austen and thought, “i don’t understand a lot of these words and sentences but i’m enjoying it.” it’s where i read all of my mother’s favourite books until they became my favourite books. it’s where i learnt everything about life and beyond.
i left Pune in 2013 and never visited the library again, until last year. in november 2021, when i entered the two-storey, cramped (as all libraries are) bookstore again, i felt like i was setting foot in a time capsule, reliving a memory in my head. everything was exactly like it used to be: the lighting was just as bright, the same two women sat at the reception in the exact same position, the interiors felt just as congested and packed with books, the staircase seemed to have the exact same red carpeting. i was both melting and stunned.
as the two women (one had curly hair, the other had straight hair) looked at me expectedly, i hurriedly blurted out something about how i used to visit the library years ago and how special it is to me.
the straight-hair woman barely nodded in acknowledgement before telling me that she liked my hairstyle (i have a pixie cut). as i thanked her, i felt a little embarrassed. i had just shared a moment of vulnerability with someone who didn’t care. my unrequited vulnerability briefly wounded me.
as i poured my heart out to the women, i felt like i was coming home. but the women didn’t care. they had no reason to. a simple, heartbreaking realization that not all feelings are meant to be reciprocated.
Library 5: My College Library
until i went to college, libraries had always been my safe space. but in 2015, that suddenly changed.
instead of a nurturing space, my college library turned out to be a tool of discipline enforcement. and it was the most disappointing moment of my life. every time a student got detention, they had to go spend a certain number of hours in the library.
this meant two things: 1) if you tried to visit the library, it would be teeming with students who absolutely did not want to be there and 2) i spent so much time to trying to avoid getting detention and stay out of the library, that i forgot how to be in it.
in school, we used to be forced to sit in the library during the ‘library periods’ — it was mandatory, not punitive. in college, the library went from being a safe space to becoming a penal currency. thereby corrupting my library ecosystem.
unfortunately, i haven’t come across a new library in the past four years. however, i have walked into plenty of secondhand bookstores — an experience that comes close, but isn’t quite the same.
here’s hoping.
do you have any favourite libraries? tell me about them!
Friends was the library of my childhood as well! I visited the library with my sister every single day in the summer. We'd go swimming in the morning, and after breakfast Dad would take us both on the scooter to the library. We'd return the previous day's book, fetch a new one from upstairs, and then on the way home we'd stop for coconut water. Sometimes Dad would let us accelerate the bike a little. Such fun times! I love how many people Friends has touched!!! :D
'unrequited vulnerability' might be my new favourite phrase
happy birthday! :D